The “R Word.”
You know the one.
Retard.
Or retarded.
A few days ago, an unsettling situation was brought to my attention. In 2012, Ann Coulter wrote a Tweet about the President during the State of the Union Address, in which she referred to him as a “retard.” Quite a bit of news coverage followed, including a beautifully written letter from John Franklin Stephens, a 30-year-old man who is a Special Olympics athlete and global messenger, and who also happens to have Down syndrome. In her response, Ann Coulter refused to acknowledge that her words had anything to do with those with a disability. Instead, she insisted that it merely means “loser.”
But it does not, Ms. Coulter. It doesn’t mean that at all.
I’ve always thought the R word was an ugly word, but on May 24, 2012, the day we met our beautiful Samuel, the word became so much more. When I hear the word in any context now, it immediately takes me out of the moment. My mind races to my little boy and I’m flooded with fear. I see a picture of my Samuel, with his incessant smile, being called the word behind his back by a group of kids in grade school because they don’t understand. I see him playing at the park where a group of moms whisper while watching him chase his sister. I feel the fear of not knowing exactly what our future holds and the challenges that my son will face because of his diagnosis.
On a regular day, these thoughts very rarely come to mind. I’ve handed them over to Jesus and know he is in control of our future. But in the moment that follows the utterance of the ugly R word, I am scared that I will not be able to protect him from those who just don’t understand.
When I hear friends continue to use the word, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt since I know they’re usually talking about a frustrating situation or a misbehaving crock pot, not a person. But it feels the same to me. Maybe I would be acting as a stronger advocate for my son and for the others in this beautiful community if I stepped up and {gently} said something. I know that’s what I should do, and I think I’ll eventually learn how to do that. But honestly, right now with my sweet boy not even two years old, the term stings so sharply that I simply don’t have the words to respond.
So please, help spread the understanding that the R word is not what Ms Coulter insists. It does not mean “loser” or “idiot or “moron” as she stated in her response. It represents years and years of hurt to those who could not stand up for themselves. I am so very thankful to live in a time and place that is far more understanding and knowledgeable and welcoming to the incredible people with disabilities all around us. My Samuel has countless opportunities for his future. He will learn and love and play and grow just like every other child, though it may look just a little different at times. Society continues to learn, but we can help spread the message that the R word is no longer acceptable.
Gently mention it to your friends when the word pops up in conversation. Teach your children that it’s not an acceptable term. Instead, let’s learn to look beyond the label to recognize the person beneath. Because if I’ve learned anything in the last year and a half, it’s that there are so many incredible people around every corner.
Revision: I wrote this as an expression of where I am at this point in my journey. It is just that – my own journey. I am a mama doing the best I can with what I have been given at this moment. I’m sorry if you do not agree with what I have written here, but my intention cannot be completely expressed without personally knowing me. I would never write something to cause harm or anger. After disabling the comments section for a short time due to the harsh language of some responses, I am stepping out and allowing them again. Thank you so much for your support on this topic.
March 3, 2015: One year after writing this post, I can tell you that I now am much bolder about asking people not to use the R word. I simply cannot allow such a word to continue to be used after meeting countless incredible people in the last year with varying abilities. Please join me and so many others in eliminating this word from our vocabulary.
Take the pledge to support the end of the R-word by clicking here.
