There are so many things I want in life. I don’t mean material things. I mean I want experiences and growth and big, exciting adventures. Sometimes I find myself wishing these things would just happen instead of finding a way to actually pursue them. They just seem like so much work or like they’re way too big for my singular being. The biggest thing, though, is that I’ve found myself continuing to wish, rather than taking action, because I’m afraid of making the changes I know are necessary to make those wishes reality.
Yesterday, I woke at 3:30am, my stomach in knots, knowing that I had to take action. Like it was time to stop wishing and actually move forward on something. I tried to ignore the frenzy of thoughts running through my head, but at 4am, I gave in. I grabbed my computer and started writing. I felt like God was giving me the playbook on how to move ahead on a wish I had been mulling over since the end of summer. It was something that was a bit scary to me, so I hadn’t pursued it or really even told anyone about it. Silly me thought I could tuck it under the rug and it would go away. I really should know better by now. I’ve tried to do this so many times in the past, and God just brings it right back in front of me, but in an even more ‘now you really have to pay attention’ sort of way than if I had gone after it from the beginning. After I wrote it all out, my mind calmed enough to allow me to go back to sleep for a couple hours. And then came time to tell Pete.
“Pete, I have to read something I wrote last night. Like at 4am. I’m pretty sure God is telling us something.” There, I said it, but at the same time, I was hoping to keep it to myself so I could avoid actually pursuing this thing. Of course he was super interested and wanted to hear about it right away. That’s when I started shaking. I felt a mix of crazy excitement from knowing we’re going to do something huge and being really afraid of all the unknown parts of what this could mean for our family. I was incredibly thankful I had written everything down in the night, because otherwise I would have backed out, saying it wasn’t really a big deal. I would have minimized it. Instead, I sat next to him on the couch and read it word for word.
I would love to share the 4am writing with you, and you probably want to know what it was, but we’re still working through it, so I’m going to save the details for just a little longer. I’ll tell you though, that we spent nearly the entire day yesterday working through it all. Pete had the day off and Ella was home sick, so we tucked the kids in for naps and a little iPad time while Pete and I ironed out all that we could. We took lots of breathing breaks that, yes, involved plenty of “Jesus, come right now and show us how to do this” prayers. By dinner last night, I had a headache from thinking so hard, so we ordered pizza, turned off all the lights, and all cuddled on the couch to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. And then, we all fell into bed.
This morning, I’m still feeling a few knots in my stomach. I’m nervous. But God certainly didn’t say that following his plans would be easy. Last night before I fell asleep, I read an advent reading from She Read’s Truth (do you know about this?! details below) and was reminded, “[Jesus] is our Bread from Heaven, the Bread of Life we are told to hunger solely after – the only thing we need, every day.” We are reminded of that in John 6:41 and 48. So today I’m leaning on that promise, working through the knots in my stomach, and still very excited about our family’s next step.
I mentioned She Reads Truth, which is a really fantastic resource for women seeking Jesus through daily devotions and Bible reading plans. I use the app on my phone nearly every day. You can read the devotions on their website for free or download the app and pay a couple dollars a plan. They also have the devotional plans available in gorgeous print version that can be ordered on their website. Their Instagram feed is also quite encouraging.
Disclaimer: I haven’t been given anything at all to talk about She Reads Truth. I’m just that in love with what they have to offer!